


The Angry Artwork

by Regency



Category: White Collar
Genre: Alternate Universe, Community: comment_fic, Crack, M/M, Magical Realism, Probably ooc, old fic, so much crack, you can't even imagine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-14
Updated: 2014-06-14
Packaged: 2018-02-04 15:07:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1783408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Regency/pseuds/Regency
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A piece of stolen artwork is more than a little angry about its accommodations and makes sure that Neal, Peter, and Greater Manhattan knows it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Angry Artwork

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the comment_fic prompt, White Collar, Neal/Peter, one of Neal's stolen paintings comes ALIVE! Ended up being too long for even two comments.

Peter's already got the mansion half-evacuated by the time Neal's truly opened his eyes to the fact that something's gone incredibly wrong in Wonderland.

With practiced ease, he rolled out of bed and dropped into a defensive crouch.  His ears were ringing like god had banged a gong beside his head and he staggered pretty much as soon as he tried to move. He dropped completely to his knees, thinking surely he could get below the sonic tirade if he did.  It didn't work, but Neal had hope that if he dropped even lower it might.

Dragging himself snake-like across his polished wood floor was not how he'd planned for his night to end.  He'd expected to sleep in the delightfully snug arms of his own personal FBI keeper and wake in the morning to a hard, insistent surprise that was not Peter's sidearm poking him in the back.

This, as far as Neal was concerned, was complete crap.  He covered his ears as he crawled since he was half-certain that not doing so would eventually result in permanent hearing loss and his ability to listen was half his charm. Couldn't lose that.  He reached the door in time to miss being hit by it as it was kicked open by a familiar leg, trousered leg.  One second, he was looking on in dizzy disbelief; the next, he was being bodily lifted out of the penthouse and ferried down the stairs. The fireman's carry wasn't the most romantic way of getting swept off his feet, but as long as it was Peter, Neal supposed there were worst things.

His ears were still ringing like a payphone had taken up residence when they got to the sidewalk where all manner of FBI personnel was standing around in apparent disbelief.  A well-known and loved cheap suit jacket made its way around Neal's bare shoulders and woke him up from what seemed like the strangest dream he'd ever had.  Suddenly lucid, he recognized the piercing whine that had drawn him from sleep as something else entirely. A vivid, horrified screaming filled the night. It was unceasing; the perpetrator seemed not even to pause for breath.

Neal clutched at the lapels of Peter's blazer, frowning, and looked around at the agents he stood amongst.  They weren't so much as moving toward the noise. Why, he couldn't say.  Other than that it was pretty fucking terrifying to hear, this was sort of their forte, stopping terror and all that. He realized he must have spoken aloud when he heard Jones mutter, "My ass! I did not sign up for Ghostbusters."

Peter’s, “Tell me about it,” wasn’t much more encouraging.  Neal started getting a very bad feeling about whatever was going on here.

“Where is this coming from,” he asked anyone listening, but particularly Peter because he’d been there the longest.

His handler sighed and shook his head. He had his hands on his waist—well, one on his waist and the other hovering uncertainly near his holster. It looked like an uncomfortable position but one that wasn’t about to change.  “Something in there started screaming bloody murder fifteen minutes ago. Couldn’t figure out where it was coming from. Got everybody out…”  Looking suddenly guilty, he dipped his head, “save Neal.  I should have gotten you out first. It was coming from the Penthouse but it was so damned loud I could barely tell.”  He shrugged. “Thought you’d be okay for a few minutes. Was  _not_  expecting the door to lock on me when I left.”

Neal narrowed his eyes in confusion.  “It shouldn’t have done that. And there is nowhere that scream should be coming from in my penthouse.”

Peter laid a comforting hand on his shoulder, which Neal unconsciously leaned into, the mixed company be damned.  He only had the man for the night until he had to give him back to Elizabeth, he was making the most of his ruined evening.  “It was definitely coming from there.”

“Yeah, I know. I was there,” he murmured, annoyed.  He knew Peter’s duty was greater than their romance, didn’t mean he had to like it. “I’m going back up there to figure out what the hell is going on.”

Peter’s comforting hand suddenly became a lot more restraining.  “I don’t think that’s such a good idea, Neal.”

“I’m not exactly gung ho about it, Peter, but somebody’s gotta put a stop to this.”  He turned to his sometimes federal partner in crime.  “So, Jones, you in?”

Jones looked for all the world like he was considering transferring departments but, in the end, he nodded, albeit reluctantly.  “Let’s do it.”  His gun was already in hand and Neal felt the seismic event that was Peter’s long-suffering sigh to his toes.

“Like I could actually stop you.”  He let go and locked-and-loaded.  Neal  spent exactly no time contemplating how sexy that was. Really.  “But, first, Neal, I want you in a vest.”

The con murmured, “I want you in  _and_  out of one.”  All things considered, it wasn’t exactly the loudest thing happening at the moment, but Jones still coughed and Peter still glowered. Neal shrugged innocently, batting his lashes playfully.

The sigh was practically Mt. Vesuvius unsettled this time.  “Let’s go, you.”

Ten harrowing minutes later, Neal and his crack FBI team were creeping up the very stairs down which they’d fled not long ago.  They were wearing ear plugs to save their straining ear drums from further damage.  Neal realized that a crash course in hand signals was about as good as no course at all. It all looked like mangled ASL and possibly some ill-advised gang signs to him. 

He kept going, fingers wrapped around the tails of Peter’s shirt to stay close.  This was Neal Caffrey Language, tug and pull.  His lovers had never complained; Peter Burke was hardly unique in that.

When they reached the door to the penthouse, it was shut tight once again.  Neal scowled to match his companions.  He didn’t need a damned slashing motion to know that was a bad thing. His nice door still had Peter’s oil and mud shoeprint on it and that was the least of what he was pissed about.

Peter uncurled his fist and pointed at himself. He was going to proceed and they should wait was Neal’s best guess.  Definitely not happy about that, but without a weapon he couldn’t be anything less than a liability.

The agent jiggled the doorknob and had about equal to last time’s success.  He rolled his eyes, stood back, and unleashed a hell of a kick.  Neal had to wonder if he’d really gotten that kind of sheer, unrelenting force from playing b-ball or if his partner was holding out on him.

He had no chance to find out at the moment, suddenly finding himself tossed to the ground by something he definitely couldn’t see but could feel certainly feel.  He blinked his eyes shut against the visible light distortions and held on to Jones who had the unlucky distinction of breaking his fall.

_I should not be able to still hear this_ , he thought frantically as he held on.  _Holy shit!_   He felt like they were being pushed farther and farther back, which was bad because the staircase wasn’t far behind them. Screaming he could take but that fall could kill them.

He opened his eyes a crack to see Peter clinging to the doorway with all his might, the cords of muscle in his shoulders and biceps bunching and straining against something unseen.  The difference was that Peter was being pulled the other way, in instead of out.  Whatever the hell had taken over his home wanted his Peter and Neal was  _not_  all right with that.

He began to push back against whatever the hell it was with sheer might when everything else failed.  There was nothing to anchor himself to and that would probably see the failure of this plan.  _All heart and no luck_ , he thought morosely.

With a look so deep it seemed to pass straight through him, Peter vanished through the door. Neal expected it to slam shut straight after.  That’s how things had declined in all the horror movies  _he’d_ seen. And if this wasn’t horror in the making, he’d never seen any.

Unexpectedly, he gained a little luck.  The winds of force changed, yanking both he and Jones into the penthouse like debris in a wind tunnel.  Only then did the door slam shut.  He’d heard less intimidating bank vaults. Then again, he couldn’t have heard a vault through these industrial strength ear buds.   _Talk about back to the drawing board._

They’d landed safely on his couch in spite of the brute strength used to bring them.  Without any particular shame, Neal was definitely holding on to Jones.  The junior agent wasn’t exactly pulling away himself.   _The hell is going on here_ , seemed to be the thought circling both of their minds.

Peter for his part was kneeling beside Neal’s bed, actually under Neal’s bed headfirst.  Neal wanted to go to him but the scream wouldn’t hear of it, seeming to increase with his every attempt to move. He wanted to pull him from under there, because, really, isn’t that where everyone goes to disappear forever?  He didn’t want to live with that loss, or explain it to El.

“Peter,” he shouted. Tried to shout. Would have if it were only that easy.  Nothing was going to be heard over the all-consuming screech in their heads.  He thought their ears should have been bleeding; hell, they probably were behind the rubber plugs.

The senior agent suddenly reappeared with a cylindrical package in his hands and tension lines deep on his face.  Neal blinked hard, knowing for certain that he saw trails of blood sliding down Peter’s twitching jaw.  He knew, suddenly, what was happening here, even if it made no sense whatsoever.

“Oh, fuck,” Neal muttered in disbelief.  This was not going to be his night or even his lifetime.

Perpetually flinching, Peter unscrewed the package and tipped its contents out into his hand.  He dropped the case and began to carefully unroll the canvas draped in velvet.

Just as suddenly as the mayhem had begun, it ended. Neal and Jones cautiously removed their ear plugs to make use of what remained of their hearing and drew closer.  Peter was blinking dazedly at the canvas and Neal immediately saw why.

Edvard Munch’s master work had come to life.  Normally beige and grey cheeks were splotched red with waning agitation and the willowy chest was pulsing with effort to fill oil-based lungs.  Neal could only really blink, too.

The painted screaming man on the painted country lane seemed to sigh in relief. He ran a curved hand over his elongated face to wipe away evident perspiration.  Smiling surreally at the gathered three, he exclaimed “Takk!” gratefully in Norwegian before assuming his signature pose.  It could have been fear or disbelief.  Either way, he seemed much happier in it.   _Guess he didn’t like the dark,_ Neal reasoned as if reason had any place here.

Once the shock had passed, Neal began to wish he was in a painting himself.  They couldn’t prosecute paintings.  At least, not in America.  He smiled weakly at his friend, lover, confidante, and partner.  _So much explaining to do, so little time until the arraignment._

Peter didn’t smile back.  “I’m not even going to ask why you had  _The Scream_  under your bed, because I don’t need to know that.  I do need to know that it’s going to be returned to its rightful owner before anyone else gets up here. Do I have that assurance from you?”  There was actually only one acceptable answer and Neal knew it. In fact, he agreed with it completely.

“Absolutely.  I’ll take it back personally.”

“No,” Peter growled hotly, “you’ll do no such thing.  Have Havisham take care of it. I don’t want you anywhere near this thing when it miraculously reappears at the Munch Museum in Oslo. Got me?”

Neal nodded.  Jones had said nothing so far, but, if the disappointed look in his eyes was anything to go, he wasn’t happy either.  Neal exhaled slowly.  Yup, he was definitely having a crappy night and it was pretty much his own fault.

“So,” he began, ready to start anew, “coffee?”  Jones shook his head. Peter glared. And he was almost positive the screaming man scoffed.  He did not need opinions from the artwork gallery. “Can we do something with him?”

“And listen to him go off again,” Peter objected, “I don’t think so.”

Neal pouted. “If I didn’t know better, I’d think you liked him more than me.”

“Right now, you’d be right.”  If his permanent grimace was anything to go by, Neal figured that was mostly true.

“Stupid painting,” which was definitely saying for someone who revered art as much as Neal.

“Oh, yeah, it’s the painting’s fault he didn’t like being cooped up in a cardboard tube under your bed instead of a nice climate-controlled museum in  _Oslo_.” His jaw twitched. “Let’s get real here.”

“What he said,” Jones echoed.

“Two against one is not fair odds.”

Peter jostled the painting—almost apologetically—for emphasis.  “One pissed off Munch against the world isn’t exactly equality at its best.”  There might have been low-grade Norwegian grumbling to be heard and ignored.

“Okay!” Neal conceded.

“Okay,” the other two men mimicked. The con figured their moods weren’t about to improve and that it was maybe time for Moz to make an entrance before SWAT did.

“I think I need a new hobby,” he noted to himself as he went in search of his phone.

Peter snorted behind him and murmured, “You don’t say.”

And Jones actually laughed.

It had been a hell of a night.

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don’t own any characters recognizable as being from White Collar. They are the property of their producers, writers, and studios, not me. No copyright infringement was intended and no money was made in the writing or distribution of this story. It was good, clean fun.


End file.
